We love our colleagues, we really do. But sometimes, the office resembles a zoo, with different species striding down the corridors and others licking their wounds in their cages - we mean cubicles.
Some are just ravenous, awaiting the next piece of meat to be thrown into their enclave. Others are chilled out, unfazed, knowing that every meal is provided for, and that’s all that matters.
Here’s a list of 10 types of co-workers, with their spirit animals, that you’ll be able to find in a typical Malaysian office:
1. The Delegator
Spirit Animal: He thinks he is a Malayan tiger, but is actually a striped stray cat.
Also known as the subcon
king, the delegator always appears to have things under their control. They are the alpha animal of the office; prowling stealthily to be in the bosses good books by pretending to multitask and take on multiple projects. For them, the office is a vast supermarket of opportunity, which they will grab at first sight - only to entrust that very task to three different people. What they really do is edit slides, and lurk around looking for fresh prey. We could all learn from the delegator; it is always good to delegate tasks to prevent burnout but he, however, takes it to the extremes.
Quotable quote: “I'm so busy, I'm so busy lah” *goes back to scrolling through on 11street on his desktop*
2. The Simpleton
Spirit Animal: The keldai that refuses to budge from the middle of the kampong road
Always blur, never sure of anything, not even tasks they are assigned to. Almost every workplace has one nincompoop who knows next to nothing about everything. Despite this, we love them as they are usually devoid of any drama and you know you can tell them anything as it will be forgotten the moment you leave their cubicle.
Quotable quote: "I'm not sure lah, I don't know. Ask so-and-so and see?” *goes back to staring into space*
3. The Know-it-All
Spirit Animal: That annoying crow that caws to glory, disrupting your sleep on a Sunday morning
This chap not only claims to know the entire Malaysian constitution, but also the inside story of the current political scandals and every other topic ever discussed in the workplace. He happily throws around names of CEOs that he has "had after work drinks with". Every conversation in the office is incomplete without him butting and giving his two cents worth, as he is the all-knowing, omniscient body. As much as we find him annoying, we secretly enjoy talking to him as he always seems to have that extra bit of information that we can reuse in our future conversations.
Quotable quote: “Oh yeah, I was there at the launching of that event, I went along with the CEO, he picked me up in his Rolls Royce you know”
4. The One Who Doesn’t Give A %&#!
Spirit Animal: The chill panda bear from Zoo Negara
This person has one motto: 'This is merely a job, and it ends when I leave the office'. They may be good at what they do, but they just couldn’t care less about the workplace, nor their colleagues. Forget trying to reach them after work or on weekends. Count them out of every team building activity, as they seem to have multiple family emergencies on those exact dates. This doesn’t make him/her a bad person, it is just that their priorities are different. After all, don’t we all need some space from each other?
Quotable Quote: “No lah, I can’t make it for the team dinner on Friday, made plans already” *Fakes a sad emoji*
5. The Pantry Consumist
Spirit Animal: The ravenous crocodile from the Kuala Selangor river
Ever wondered why the biscuits in the office pantry never last long? Or why the coffee always runs out? The Pantry Consumist is a miser. Despite being paid a decent salary, this person refuses to spend a sen on breakfast, tea and sometimes lunch. They live off the goodies in the pantry, and devour most of it up within a day or two of its arrival, leaving nothing but crumbs for the rest of us. You can easily spot them gorging when there is an office party or when the boss decides to buy everyone lunch.
Quotable Quote: “Eh why are you wasting money buying nasi lemak for breakfast? Have the biscuits and coffee in the pantry lah!”
6. The Suck-Up
Spirit Animal: That annoying stray dog that loves to follow you around.
The brown-noser a.k.a. apple polisher a.k.a. boot licker is a specimen you could probably find in all offices across the globe. The fact that there are so many terms to describe them just go to show that every office has one of these. They always find a way to weasel themselves into the bosses good books. You'll catch them cackling up at the bosses’ lame jokes, and always volunteering to take up the rubbish tasks put forth by the boss. The sad truth? Butt-kissing sometimes works.
Quotable Quote: “Wow boss! That’s a really great idea! How did you come up with that lah?”
7. The Office Gossip
Spirit Animal: Those noisy bats in the Mulu Caves
Also known as the CNN of the office, the office gossip always seems to have the latest details on meeting spectacles, fellow colleagues’ personal drama as well as process changes in the office. They are always extra nice to newcomers, only to dredge up information on the newbie’s personal and/or professional life. Your best bet would be to handle this person well, always keeping them at arms’ length, and never ever reveal too much about yourself - unless you would like to be on the next day’s headlines.
Quotable Quote: “Eh, you know what I heard ah?”
8. The Tech Guru
Spirit Animal: The adorable squirrel that darts across the road, running from one emergency to another
We all love this person, or at least we pretend to. In case of any technological emergency, they serve as the paramedic who resuscitates your laptop without you having to beg the fellows from the IT department to have a look at it. This person is so good with computers and gadgets, you sometimes wonder why they are stuck doing a job similar to yours. Despite this, they have their feet planted firmly on the ground, and are so easy to please. Of course we adore this person, they keep us connected, and what would we be if we aren’t connected, right?
Quotable Quote: “Hey, I fixed your laptop, all done”
Spirit Animal: The elegant, majestic stallions outside Istana Negara
9. That Delicious Hunk/Babe
On days when our engines have not really started upon reaching the office, this character gets us revving in so many ways. They are confident, intelligent, and oh-so-good looking. We either envy or look up to those of the same gender as us, and ogle (subtly) at the opposite sex. They take good care of themselves, always look scrumptious, we mean, presentable and have a brain to go along with it. Alas, they are almost always taken. As if that would stop us from using them as motivation to go to work.
Quotable Quote: *None, really. As all they need to do is strut past your cubicle*
10. The Invisible Man/Woman
Spirit Animal: The annoying Aedes mosquito that you see flying around but can never seem to smash
This person is on medical leave so often, you tend to wonder if they have made their own medical certificate booklet that they sign on their own. They seem to have multiple funerals to attend and their kids fall sick on an average of once a week. What they do not realise is that they bring the entire team’s productivity down by simply being absent. Work gets piled onto the rest of us, and that frustrates us to the core. More so when these imbeciles decide to post a picture of #foodporn on Instagram, when they are supposed to be at home recuperating from a fever.
Quotable Quote: “Wei, can cover for me ah? My grandfather on the other side passed away lah, I’m on EL today”