Uncle Raymond meets Apocalypse
Meet Uncle Raymond, our designated Entertainment desk reporter. If it’s interviews with the greatest from the TV, music and movie industry you’re looking for, Uncle Raymond’s your… uncle. His hearing and memory aren’t what they used to be, but he’s really dedicated to his job, bless his heart. Also, he still charges us freelancer rates from the 1970’s lah, so there’s that. Here’s his debut interview with Apocalypse from ‘X-Men: Apocalypse.’
I want to hear the cries of the future!
Hah? Can, can but just introduce yourself first lah.
… I am Apocalypse, but some may also know me as En Sabah Nur.
Which part of Sabah?
Where are you from actually?
The Akkaba region of Ancient Egypt.
Never heard of it. When you were a child, what you wanted to do?
I’ve always wanted to rid the world of weaklings and become the most powerful being alive!
Dream big. I like. And what do you work as ah?
I am a conqueror and leader of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Alliance of Evil and Dark Riders.
Are those local companies?
Why you look liddat wan?
DO NOT BRING UP MY LOOKS! It is the very reason why I am the way I am today. A very long time ago, Ozymandia’s sister, Nephri rejected me because of how I look.
Meet Nephri. (Image: marvelwikia)
While very hurtful, it proved to be a good thing because that’s how my mutant abilities fully emerged. That was when I changed my name from En Sabah Nur to Apocalypse. Funny story, 50 years later, I actually visited that b*tch on her deathbed and said, “Look who’s ugly now?” I looked the same as I had years before, so I think it was a nice burn.
K, k. What are some of your hobbies?
In my free time I enjoy shape shifting, flaunting my God-like strength, using telepathy, teleporting to wherever I please, recruiting members of the X-Men for my own selfish reasons, disguising myself as various Gods and using Celestial technology.
Eh tell me, why you actually don’t like those X-Men fellas? Storm quite leng lui what.
Well, this guy called Cable, who’s actually the son of Cyclops and Phoenix travelled in time and tried to kill me! About Storm… she was actually called Ororo Munroe first and while I was on a… erm, “work trip” to Africa, I discovered her and decided to make her one of my Horsemen, a warrior of the Apocalypse with the help of my minions Sinister and the Dark Beast. I am the one who gave her the name Storm.
Then she not Horse-woman meh?
… next question.
Ok, ok. When you’re busy doing… okay, destroying the world lah, cincai, what song is playing in your head?
AC/DC’s ‘Hells Bells’. Always puts me in the mood for some murder and destruction.
What is your best memory?
I have many, for I have been around since 3000BC. If I had to pick one though, it would be the time Abraham Van Helsing helped me defeat Count Dracula in 1897.
Not good lah you do like that. He was my son’s favourite character on Sesame Street. Anyway, who is your role model?
The man who I considered as my father, Baal, the leader of the Sandstormers. He raised me as his own when everyone shunned me. He believed in me and it is because of him, I live by the “only the strong should survive” code.
Not to be confused with Dhalsim.
Sounds like a nice fella. What would you say are some of your strengths?
I have superhuman strength. I can even defeat Hulk while that green turd is in rage mode. My stamina’s top notch, I can fly, teleport pretty much anywhere I want, I can reshape my body at will, I can absorb energy, I’ve got telekine…
That’s all the time we have. Thank you Mr. Apocalypse.
In case you haven’t already figured it out, the Rojak Daily did not actually conduct this interview, but it’s worth noting that all the answers are actually based on facts. Look ‘em up! Stay tuned for Uncle Raymond’s next interview. If you have suggestions for who you’d like him to interview next, let us know in the comments section below. Thanks for reading!